the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
