My room smells like vodka and shame
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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