I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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