My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
