I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
