You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
