I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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