Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just want nice things and good sex
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
