Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
