i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize