Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
