did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize