a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
