Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
