Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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