take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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