I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
