ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
