the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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