Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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