Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize