i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
