Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
