I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
