I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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