Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
