The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
