how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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