i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
