so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh god it's open bar.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
