I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
