I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
please come you make the beer taste better
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
