my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
