she kept yelling 'call me bella'
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize