wrigley field is MILF paradise
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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