I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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