Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
