I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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