Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
