The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize