well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize