I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
