I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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