Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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