Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
