If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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