dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
