Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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