another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
