I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
