I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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