How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
