An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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