even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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