I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
PANTIES FOUND
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