Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
