my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
