Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
