she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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