I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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