and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
