Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
