Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
