dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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