so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
