nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
