I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
