the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
