if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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