There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Someone came in the potted fern
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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