Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
